thetillyvanilly

Awkward things.

Forever is Composed of Nows

on April 9, 2013

“You’ll never again be as young as you are right now.” I try to remember that, to live in the moment. But sometimes, the moment gets so heated and quick and heavy, that all my intentions flutter away like butterflies, and I’m left with the past and the future, yelling at me, louder and louder, each adamant that they must be heard. The past is a snot-nosed brat, making snide remarks about how no-one liked me in high school and how I’ll always be fat and plain, no matter how hard I try to change it. The future is a rumpled old hag, tending to agree; she wags her finger and screeches that I’ll never be anyone, never do anything worthwhile, that my dreams will keep two steps out of reach because I’m just not good enough.

How hard is it to just live in the now and to be content with what we have? Pretty bloody hard in my opinion. We’re given histories that stick; they’re the cement that the bricks of our lives are laid on. They’re always there to whisper vicious memories into our ears, desperate to see us stay the same losers that we’ve always been. Then there are our foggy, distant futures that speed past us like trains, hell bent on not stopping for anything. It’s all against us but the present. The present is our friend, bobbing along like a boat on a pond. It’s not going anywhere, it’s a lovely view, but if you’re desperately seeking the train, or stuck inside the house, you’re not gonna enjoy the frogs or the fish.

I guess what I’m saying with all this metaphorical nonsense, is that I need to slow down and calm down and pay attention to the now. I’m so busy hurtling forwards whilst glancing over my shoulder that I’m in danger of tripping and falling. I want to live my whole life, not just snatches of it caught on film. I want to be able to enjoy everything rather than glancing at photographs when I’m eighty and cursing my lack of gratitude. Eighty year-old me will remember the way the sun shines on the river, and the feel of my favourite blanket against my skin as I fall asleep, and even the smell of my dogs when it’s raining. So from now on I will appreciate it all, with eyes wide open, in my boat on the pond.

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2 responses to “Forever is Composed of Nows

  1. psychicseagull says:

    Fantastic post, have hit the nail on the head. Do you know about mindfulness?

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