Awkward things.

The Picture of Samantha Brick

on April 25, 2013


It’s official. We womenfolk are all ugly, fat and freaking jealous, because we have the misfortune to share the planet with Helen of Troy, I mean, Samantha Brick, the loveliest creature you will ever see in your life; more beautiful than a unicorn frolicking in a forest, thinner than a Victoria’s Secret model on a juice fast, and more likely to make you jealous than Michael Fassbender’s girlfriend having just acquired a basket of puppies and a lifetime supply of Nandos. Yes this is sarcasm, no that doesn’t make Samantha Brick any less of a pain in the arse.

For any of you living under an actual brick, Samantha first entered public consciousness by writing an article for The Daily Mail, complaining that we hate her for being beautiful. Incidentally, she’s alright looking, I mean, she’s hardly Megan Fox, but she’s not hideous. However, the audacity and vanity that she continues to spew at the world have brought her fame, notoriety and death threats. According to Wikipedia, which we all know is the Mecca of knowledge, “The article got 1.5 million hits on the newspaper’s website and nearly 5,000 readers left comments, many of which were negative.” So you can kinda see why The Daily Mail keep her stuff coming, and why she keeps churning out the same, vapid shit. This week, she’s hit the news again, insisting that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, and we’re all fatty fat fats if we disagree. Oh yeah, and Joan Collins hates us too. Burn.

The Daily Mail, as all British people know, is a racist, homophobic, xenophobic, young people-phobic, future-phobic, every type of food because it causes cancer-phobic, misogynistic piece of trash that’s barely worthy as toilet paper. However, if you like that sort of thing, it’s a jolly good read. I personally think they’re trolling, morphing Samantha into some sort of Marvel super villain, ‘The Brick’, (she makes your blood boil with a single paragraph of stupidity, bringing us closer to the end of the world.) What we need is a hero to save the day, the antithesis of Mrs Brick, someone humble, fat and fugly to save the day. I can’t think of anyone that fits the bill, but maybe they’re laying low in their secret lair, putting the finishing touches on their modesty cape or whatever. I bet Samantha Brick is quaking in her super sexy boots, but hey, maybe I’m just jealous.


2 responses to “The Picture of Samantha Brick

  1. funny says:

    Howdy would you mind sharing which blog platform you’re working with?
    I’m looking to start my own blog in the near future but I’m having
    a difficult time selecting between BlogEngine/Wordpress/B2evolution and
    Drupal. The reason I ask is because your design seems different
    then most blogs and I’m looking for something unique. P.S Sorry
    for getting off-topic but I had to ask!

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