Awkward things.

7 Reasons Why I Belong In An Eighties Movie

on June 18, 2013

Ah the eighties, an era when everything was big and neon, teenage weirdos were THE people to be and I wasn’t even born yet. But that doesn’t stop me wanting to be part of it all. Every time I watch an 80s movie, I want to jump through the screen and say, “Hey! Molly Ringwald! I’ve remembered your birthday, and I bought you this awesome, lime green scrunchie, please be my friend.” This might sound bizarre to anyone born long after shoulder pads were made illegal, so this list is for you, my I-can’t-believe-you’re-driving-a-car-you-were-born-in-the-nineties-aren’t-you-like-twelve friends…

  • Christian Slater.

That’s really all I have to say, but for the sake of bloggeristic integrity, I’m going to add the word eyebrows. Seriously Christian Slater, I will do anything you say. I have no idea why Winona said no to blowing up the school, when clearly the answer was YES! I mean, eyebrows, come on.

  • Terrible, horrible, AWESOME fashion.

How in the world did they get away with it? Scrunchies, leggings, shoulder pads, leg warmers, neon, I mean, if you donned all this today, you’d be shown an intervention sign faster than you could say ‘Heathers’.  Still, I want to live in that world. I want it all, even though it’s bad for me and will make me set fire to photo albums. I want to crimp my hair and look fabulous for all of five seconds, and think I look like Princess Diana when actually I look like a colour-blind man disguised as a poodle, but a really, REALLY cool one.

  • Unlikely friendships.

If I lived in an eighties movie, I wouldn’t have had a terrible time in high school. Well, I would, for a while, until I decided to kill myself with a sparkler or something and got caught by the incompetent teachers that roamed the halls. Then it would all change. Illegal substances and detention would bring criminals and princesses and weird ol’ me together, and we would all live happily ever after, punching the air until it begged for mercy, because everyone hates their parents.

  • Science was AWESOME.

In the past they knew all about the future, oh yes. There would be made to measure women and time travel and all sorts of super cool things that NEVER HAPPENED. What the actual?! We are letting the eighties down with our lack of awesomeness. Where is that flux capacitor I ordered? Um, not here yet. I would be annoyed at my lack of computer-generated man, but I have Christian Slater, so it’s all good. Apart from the time travel. Get on it scientists!

  • The lingo.

“How Very.” How is it that even speaking is cooler and way more awesome in 80s movies? Every time someone opens their mouth – BAM! Why yes I am super smart and witty, thank you for noticing. Even the Heathers and the Mr Vernons are a zillion times more likeable because of the gold that falls out of their mouths.

  • Weirdos were celebrated.

In what other decade could Beetlejuice exist? Every time I watch it, I seriously can’t believe that anyone but freaks and geeks could, you know, get it. Actually, I think that about all Tim Burton movies, but this one in particular. I mean, it’s about a creepy, pervy, drunken ghost. How can that possibly appeal to ‘normal’ people? I have no idea, but I’m glad, because now we can bond over more than a mutual hatred of grown-ups. Alive people also suck. Except Winona Ryder, she can stay.

  • The tunes.

I wanna groove to the Beatles on a carnival float. I want Simple Minds to sing to me as I bound off into the sunset. The music! And day-um they could dance! Check out Anthony Michael Hall! Watch his little feet go. I’m sure if I was in the brat pack, my two left feet would be eightiesified and I’d be able to twist along with the best of them. And shaking your dandruffy hair all over the library? Cool as.

So yeah. I’m a bit late to the party, but I’m wearing leg warmers and carrying a boom box. This is me pledging my love to the decade that told me that anything is possible, as long as you don’t water the Gremlins.


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