Awkward things.

Losing My Star Wars Virginity

on July 2, 2013

Yes. Up until a few weeks ago, I was one of those oddities that you avoid at Dungeons and Dragons and gossip about in-game. But before I had even seen it, Star Wars was a dominating force in my life. I would meet a stranger, brimming with enthusiasm for the newbie that was me, and the subject would come up. Every. Freaking. Time. As soon as they asked who shot first, or if Jar Jar was some sort of racial stereotype, I would avert my eyes, fiddle with my fingers and lower my voice, “I’ve never seen Star Wars.” What had just been a budding friendship was now a warzone built on the fact that I was a cultural leper. “But I know Darth Vader is Luke’s father,” I would offer, but no, it was too late.

Star Wars is a thing, like, obviously it’s a thing, but it’s a super thing. Everyone’s seen it, everyone loves it, and if you haven’t, what is wrong with you? I was an anomaly, a glitch, a weirdo. My parents were accused of child abuse and any boyfriends weren’t man enough to make me watch it. The thing is, I don’t like space; I don’t understand it. In my head, there’s Earth and there’s a magical land of unicorns and dragons and awesomeness like that; space doesn’t exist. Turns out, telling people that makes them think that you’re a special sort of crazy.

Like Lena Dunham, I got to a point where I thought, hey, actually, since the whole world and their evil secret father has seen Star Wars, then that makes me cool and edgy and stuff. Turns out, it doesn’t; it just makes you jolly strange and no-one wants to be your friend because your impression of Yoda sucks, you get Padme confused with Leia, or just refer to all female characters in Star Wars as Natalie Portman. Not cool.

So I did it. It was hard, but I did it and I’m glad. As my friends are über geeks, it made sense that I would watch Episode IV first, it being the first that was made. I’d tried to watch Episode I previously, but had failed due to Jar Jar haters complaining loudly about stuff I didn’t understand. So A New Hope it was. Firstly, the writing. I don’t know if it was cause I was watching it on a crackly VHS (retro right?) or what, but I couldn’t read it, my eyes went funny, and it just wasn’t happening. Luckily, I had informants, so it was all good.

I met R2D2 and suddenly the hype made sense to me. He is awesomeness personified! I don’t care if he screws everything up with his super psyched whistles and bleepy bleeps, which I totally see coming, we were united against the dark side from that moment onwards. And Jawas! Cute, creepy Jawas! I was hooked, having a great time with my R2D2 and my Jawas, then space happened. I don’t know why, I think I’m allergic to planets or black or something, because I just wandered off into unicorn land while stuff was happening, and then more stuff had happened and I had to call on my informants once more to bring me back in the game.

I didn’t like Luke at all, I don’t know why, I just didn’t. Do you ever meet a person and you’re just like ‘Umm… No.’? Well that’s Luke to me; we will never be more than mere acquaintances, on nodding level, but nothing more. Obi Wan is awesome though, we are total bros, don’t you worry about that. So then we learned all of this stuff that I know to be a massive pile of LIES, because Star Wars is so deeply embedded in pop culture that I am aware of its major workings. So no, Obi Kinobi, Darth Vader did NOT kill Luke’s father, go to your room without dessert, because you are telling big, fat porkies. I know you have good intentions and everything, but no.

“Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise.” Um, what? I’m so late to the party that everyone’s dead on the floor, but really, what? Have you seen those things shoot? It’s like their helmets are so thick they can’t see; they just fire randomly and cross their fingers. Precise? Pfft. Whatevs.  It was all getting a bit spacey for me at this point, I was losing focus, my peripheral vision was glittering, but then, as if by magic, Harrison Ford appeared and everything was right with the world. I love him. Leia has something wrong with her, even worse than my space allergy, for not jumping into his arms the moment she met him. He is everything you want in a space hunk. Everything. And Chewy! My need for snuggly things was sorted from that moment onwards.

Right, I was ready for this bit, I was totally aware, leaning in, eyes scrunched on guns and… Han shot first. The other guy didn’t even fire. Han was all like ‘Uh, no you don’t Greedo!’ and went for it. I know that they remastered it to make Han look better, but I don’t think it was necessary. Shooting Greedo doesn’t make me like you less Mr Solo, we’re cool, I would have killed him too, no worries, you’ve got space to save, I understand. And then, THEN, the bad guys blow up a planet! That is not cool, not cool at all. You can’t just go around blowing up planets, because everywhere would just be space and then where would we be? Think of the repercussions Mr Vader, you meanie, and don’t do it again.

Then there was rescuing and fighting and death and stuff, and Obi Wan was a bit dead, but not totally, so I didn’t cry. Then more fighting and space and space plane things and blah blah, I don’t know, but we won, yay! And because we did so well, we got medals, medals for everyone, well, apart from Leia and Chewy. What?! I mean, WHAT?! They were awesome, doing their own shooty, fighty stuff, and what thanks did they get? Leia’s planet exploded and Chewbacca seems like he’s in pain all the time. Sucks to be them.

So I did it. I made it through all the space and planets and shooting. I fought through Leia’s attitude problem and my unfounded dislike of Luke, and I feel like I really achieved something. Now I can do an accurate impression of Chewbacca, I have an influence-free idea of who shot first and I am building up my space tolerance. Next up: Episode V! May the force be with you…


2 responses to “Losing My Star Wars Virginity

  1. girlseule says:

    Hoorah I’m not the only one. Well now that you have seen it maybe i am! I really should watch it one of these days.

    • Haha! I dunno, I kinda feel like I’m missing a certain special-ness without my quirk.
      But it is as good as they say it is.
      I only just spotted this comment btw, sorry for the late reply!
      Thanks for reading!

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