thetillyvanilly

Awkward things.

Right Now I am Feeling…

on July 25, 2013

Ok, so here’s my biggest secret right now; (it’s not the most juicy secret I’ve ever had, but at least it’s mine to tell, so the chances of me getting into trouble are a lot lower than usual!) are you ready for it? Dun, dun, duuuuuuun! I’m scared. I know what you’re thinking. Well, I can guess; I don’t profess to be a mind-reader, though that would be pretty sweet. You’re probably thinking ‘That’s it? No secret love child/hidden penis/Jerry Springer style drama?’ Nope, sorry. But for me to tell you, my faceless internet friend, is a mahoosive deal. HUGE. Even admitting it to myself was a battle.

So what am I scared of? Um, everything really. Do you ever get that feeling that you’re doing it all wrong? Like you’ve been given this super shiny gift of life on a golden platter and you’ve cracked it, scuffed it and managed to cover half of it with purple hair dye that Will. Not. Come. Off.  Do you get that? I feel it all the freaking time. It’s like every opportunity I’ve ever had, I’ve managed to accidentally crumple up and toss into the trash, and now it’s soaked with curry that went badly wrong and dotted with gum that someone didn’t put back in the wrapper. Grrr.

Even now I’m using metaphor and humour to cover up my feelings, because it’s hard and that’s what I do. It’s hard to say that you’ve screwed up, and it’s even harder sometimes to know if you actually have or not. What if I get to some distant, seemingly impossible age (I’m thinking 40), and I can look back and pinpoint exactly where I went wrong, exactly when I wandered down the dirt road towards the chainsaw-wielding maniac, or, you know, failure, which is even worse. What if all my self-confident bleatings turn out to be the punch line of a depressing joke? What if…

But hey, what if it all works out in the end? What if all my dreams come true? What if all this worrying causes a face full of wrinkles and a stomach ulcer for no reason at all? I wish I could shut my brain up. I’ve always straddled two sides of the scale – I’m a worst case scenario hypochondriac prone to panic attacks, but I pretty much have the word ‘awesome’ tattooed on my lips and I rock all the outward self-esteem of Sasha Fierce. I am an optimist; a rainy-day-collecting, bunker-building, check-the-tickets-every-five-seconds-in-case-they-spontaneously-combust-because-that-totally-happens-all-the-time optimist.

The truth is that I know nothing about the future until it happens, by which time I’ve forgotten all the ways that I was wrong, because who wants to think about that, right? The world could end tomorrow, I could get hit by a bus today, (Seriously, why is it always a bus and not a limo or a private jet or something?) or I could be given my dream job and told that my eyebrows look AMAZING! (These are the first awesome things that popped into my head, which says a lot. Don’t judge.) I don’t want this to be another article about living in the moment and dancing in the rain and whatnot, ‘cause there are already so many, but I obviously haven’t soaked anything up. So, Whoomp! There it is! Live, love, laugh, dance and whatever your socks off, because worrying only causes wrinkles and stomach ulcers.

I need to remember that success comes from hard work, tenacity and good timing. Being a stress-head will not make me any more likely to achieve my goals. Actually, it’s more likely to screw up my game, because, you know, all that forehead scrunching and complaining takes energy! Also, who wants to employ a drain? So I’m gonna work hard, work harder and Keep. Going. The only way I lose the game is to stop playing. In the words of the amazing Randy Pausch: “The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people.”  So there.

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