Awkward things.

7 Reasons We Need To Invent a Time Machine Like Now

on August 1, 2013

Ok, just a disclaimer first up. Obviously this is just for the shiggles, so I’m not going to time travel to 1939 and undo Hitler. I agree that it would be a jolly good idea and when I get my DeLorean repaired, I’m all over it, but for now, in fantasy land, I have other priorities. Here they are…

  • To prove that dinosaurs are not dinosaurs, but are, in fact, dragons.

I don’t care what archaeological evidence you throw at me, I am not buying it. I have a complex, fantastical ideology netted out in my brain and one small crack could bring it tumbling down. You know what that means? No unicorns. Do you wanna be responsible for that? Good. Dragons it is then.

  • To teach cavemen Klingon.

How freaking cool would that be? Then we’d all be Klingons without the facial problem. Imagine returning to the present and everyone’s roaming around in starships, being all fighty and stuff. It’d be like being in a movie, except death would be highly likely and probably involve phasers. This is all hypothetical of course, but I’m totally right.

  • To mess around with the canopic jars.

Those Ancient Egyptians were a cheery lot, weren’t they? I joke. Ok, they were a bit cursey and veeery serious, so wouldn’t it be a giggle to fool around a bit? Everybody loves a prank. Well, everybody apart from that guy on youtube, who jumped out of a trashcan to scare his friend and now has a massive hole where his face used to be. But yeah, jokes. Maybe stick some pot pourri in with the organs. What harm could it do?

  • To save Natalie Dormer (a.k.a Anne Boleyn) from being decapitated.

Alright, yes, I know that Anne Boleyn and Natalie Dormer aren’t the same person, I mean, I kinda know that… But when Natalie’s about to have her head chopped off, I can’t, I just can’t watch, I must do something to save her. Plus Henry got waaay too big for his stupid, Tudor boots. Someone needs to teach him about feminism and equality and stuff, that’ll sort him out.

  • To sail alongside Blackbeard and his merry men, (or something).

Oh to sail the seven seas, spending all day drinking rum, singing songs about drinking rum, and then complaining about the rum being gone after I’ve drunk the rum. I could totally pull off the piratical maiden thing as well as Keira Knightley. Ok, maybe not as well as Keira Knightley, but as well as a dumpy, goofy, inexplicably scruffy version of Keira Knightley, and that’s good enough for me.

  • To add a little something to the Greek myths

Ok, I know that the Greek myths are pretty, I don’t know, pretty random. I mean, Zeus was a randy dude, getting up to all sorts of nonsense in every which way. Come on, swan sex? Even I couldn’t come up with that. But we could take it even further. There needs to be more giants and talking trees and Hobbits and, aw screw it, just add the entire LOTR plot and that’ll do nicely. Gollum would look great in a toga.

  • To fashion police the Victorians.

The Victorians were a straight-laced bunch, which is all fine and dandy, but if they invent a time machine before we do, (paradox, argh!) then they’re gonna have freaking heart attacks when they see our fashion choices. Sooo, to prevent that from happening, (or, you know, just totally make that happen, whatever,) why don’t we stick Rihanna in the DeLorean, sans clothes and inhibitions, and have her strut her stuff? Victoria would FREAK. OUT. And maybe, just maybe, we’d speed up the decline of clothing and return to a present where everyone is butt naked. It would save time having to decide on an outfit. And no more uniforms too. Woop woop.

I think you’ll all agree that if a time machine becomes available, I’m definitely the woman for the job. I mean, I have absolutely no knowledge of history and terrible social skills, but I’m amazing at reversing a car and have seen Back To The Future approximately once, which is really all you need, let’s be honest.


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