Awkward things.

Totally Inappropriate Crushes That I Am Not Ashamed Of…

on August 12, 2013



So I will say right now that I am odd, out there and downright masochistic in my crush choices. I don’t like to make it too easy on myself. My admiring glances are usually divided neatly between potential serial killers and ogres. Think the lizard guy from Spiderman, except not him, but you get the idea. Here are my top nine oddities and my reasons why they are totally marriage material, (or maybe just stare-at-them-for-a-bit-but-don’t-get-too-close-to-the-sun material).

  • Philip Quast in Les Miserables (Stage Version)

The voice. It’s the voice. Oh my God, and those sideburns. Also the evil glint in his eye makes me swoon so hard. I’m a real sucker for a man that looks as if he may kill me, which obviously has led to very poor boyfriend choices, but excellent movie rentals. Swings and roundabouts. And you know with Javert that if he took a shine to you, he’d stalk you until you gave in, in a sexy way, there’d be no ambiguity there, he’d fight for you whether you wanted him to or not. Ok, I’m weird.

  • Tim Curry in The Rocky Horror Picture Show

There is something about a man with thicker makeup than me that makes me go gooey. Also suspenders. Suspenders are sexy on anyone, I don’t care what you say, give me a highly unattractive example and I will say yes, yes that person is sexy in suspenders. It’s undeniable. And Tim Curry is hot to start with, so stick him in a corset and lippy and I’m there. I will do the Time Warp until I die just for a piece of the action. “Give yourself over to absolute pleasure.” Thanks Tim Curry, don’t mind if I do.

  • Jack Davenport in Pirates Of The Caribbean

When you were all ogling Jack Sparrow, my eyes were keenly focused on the wonderful that was Mr Davenport, with his snide glances and his snippy lines. Keira Knightley is barking. I mean, look at him! He’s old, he’s moody, but he’s very English and very proper. You just know he’s hiding something, perhaps a piratical past that out-awesomes Jack Sparrow, but no-one’s bothering to find out, because they’re all like, ‘Ooh, you have shiny things in your hair and an alcohol problem, that’s hot!’ Tut, sigh.

  • Christian Slater in Heathers

I know, I know, he’s a school exploding psychopath, but ohmygosh is he convincing about it. And he’s Christian Slater, let us not forget that vital fact as we judge him. Those eyebrows alone could get him an innocent verdict in any upstanding court of law, (perhaps this is why I’m not a judge…) Any boy that manages to murder my frenemies without getting caught is a total shoe-in for boyfriend of the year. I’m not even joking. Who needs friends when you have bleach, croquet and suicide notes? Exactly.

  • Michael Fassbender in Prometheus.

Yes, he’s a robot. I know this. Only, he’s a really good looking robot. And he’s so sweet, (kinda,) he’d totally watch The Notebook with you whilst massaging your feet, and he wouldn’t even talk during it, or make those annoying sniffy sounds when he cries. He would. He WOULD. I’m not even gonna argue with you, Prometheus fans, because we are total mechanical soulmates, so there.

  • Alan Rickman in Harry Potter.

Ok, so I’ve always been a false teeth thief, so I know that even if I hadn’t been an alleged adult when HP was the big thing, but instead a pimply Hufflepuff, I would’ve still gone a bit gooey over my potions master. I know I would have brewed up a love potion and spiked his coffee. Stalk much? But he’s just so brooding and miserable and… Yes I have a problem. How long will I have a crush on him? Always, that’s how long. Magic is one hell of a drug.

  • Jonathan Rhys Meyers in The Tudors.

He’s mad, bad and dangerous to know, but he’s THE KING. You’ve got to give him some slack or he’d totally chop off your head without thinking twice, because that’s what he does. Even when he’s skirt lifting and bed hopping, I’d still be there, crying into my jewel-encrusted outfit, careful not to damage the silk, because, hey, that stuff’s expensive. It might be the eyes, or maybe the Irish, but it’s probably the power, which we all know is the hotness.

  • Zachary Quinto in Star Trek: Into Darkness

I am definitely a Spock girl. It’s the eyebrows. I’m coming across as a bit of an eyebrow fetishist and I will hold my hands up to that. I’m loud and I’m proud. Spock and Kirk’s bromance adds a little somethin’ somethin’ to the mix, I don’t even know what, just that it’s hot in a wrong way. And I’ve just found out that Mr Quinto directed an episode of Lizzie McGuire, so there we are, my future husband everyone.

  • Darth Vader.

I know, I know, it’s just… He’s hot, ok? He’s bad and he just doesn’t give a damn. He’s all like ‘I’m gonna blow up this planet now,’ ‘I’m gonna kill that guy now.’ Why want Luke when you could have his sexy dad who has a cape and a deep voice and everything? Alright, I’m strange, but at least that means that no-one will fight me for him. Score!


One response to “Totally Inappropriate Crushes That I Am Not Ashamed Of…

  1. Abbi says:

    Alan Rickman is always sexy…

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