Awkward things.

Mastering my Destiny to Basically Become a Marvel Superhero (Possibly)


Today I finally managed to bend just the top of my index finger. It was on purpose. Don’t go thinking I’ve found new and interesting ways to injure myself! Actually I have. More on that in a moment… It was a great day. Obviously I don’t get out much. But seriously, this is a major thing in my life, mainly because I told a friend that I would be able to do it one day. Yep, it was a thing that I couldn’t do, that I wanted to be able to do, that I did, regardless of my lack of flexibility and logic. I surpassed everything against me with the power of my mind. That’s why I’m feeling pretty freaking amazeballs right now.

I’ve always been a big believer in myself. I am a special snowflake of unicorn proportions, in that I possess super low self-esteem, (leaning towards the past tense possessed now, yay!) and a freakishly large amount of faith that I could do anything. Don’t try to think about it for too long, because it might start to hurt, but it’s true. So despite hating almost everything about myself for most of my life, I had major self-belief in my power to accomplish my goals.

From a young age, I was morbidly obese. It wasn’t a nice place to be. Anyone who’s ever looked differently to what society expects you to look like, (most of us, I think) knows that it sucks big time. It’s like the bullies are pushing you off a cliff into an ocean made of chocolate and cake. Of course, bullies aren’t exactly on a mission to get you to be a healthy weight and the owner of a brand new bucket of self-esteem, but if they were, they would be sacked and sued and possibly jailed, which might not be a terrible idea…

So I ate and I ate and I grew and I grew and life got harder and harder.  But one day, something happened. My dad screamed at me “Just stop eating!” and it stung. In that moment I wanted to die, but there was something stronger bubbling beneath it. Stubbornness. Alright, I thought, I will. So I stopped eating. The fat, food-addicted, forever-face-stuffing girl just stopped eating for a week. My parents freaked out, of course, and normal service was resumed after that, but I had learned that I could do things. I could not eat if I wanted to. I could lose weight. I could be the person that I knew I was inside, if I just tried hard enough.

I didn’t lose weight in a particularly healthy fashion, but I lost it. I threw away six stone in total, eighty-four pounds, and I felt amazing. I wasn’t teensy, I wasn’t a supermodel, I was myself with the evidence of cheekbones and a chin, but I had practically run a marathon in my mind. I had flicked a switch that said ‘Ohmygosh. I’m not just doomed to get bigger and bigger, until someone has to wash me and cut a hole in my wall to lug me out when I have an inevitable heart attack. I have power.’ I wasn’t just a fat blob anymore, I was a person. You have no idea how incredible it is to realise that you’re worthy of life and everything you can take from it. Or maybe you do. I hope you do.

 Of course, I’m not saying that anyone needs to lose weight, or that the only way to feel actually in control of your destiny is to lose weight. This is just where I found my control. Afterwards I carried on with my life. I gained a bit of weight, I lost a bit, life drifted by, but I never lost the lesson: That I could do whatever I set my mind to. I have used this knowledge to do so many things, from passing exams to getting jobs, to seeing my work published to learning to juggle. Oh, and by the way, my new and interesting way to injure myself is learning to unicycle. It’s going well so far, and I know that I will get there, because I’ve managed enough things to know that failure is just the thing that happens before I succeed. It’s a bump or a drop of rain, nothing worth worrying about.

I am currently about to embark on a juice fast, using the magic of willpower and the wonder of new gadgets, which I always find to be an awesome combination. Oh and books, books fix everything.* I’m really freaking excited for where I’ll be at the end, and more importantly, who I’ll be. Every mountain you climb changes you in wonderful ways. You get that bit more positive, a teensy bit calmer and more certain of your abilities. I love pushing myself to achieve things which people say I can’t do, or maybe in the past I’ve said I couldn’t do. I love to surprise myself. Unwrapping a new me is like creating my own Christmas. I love it.

Life is full of challenges, and I know that, but I also know that I have the ability to face those challenges, smack them upside the head and leave them handcuffed to a lamppost with a penis drawn on their face with a Sharpie. So I’m challenging you to challenge yourself**. Think of something that you’ve always wanted to do. Maybe you want to start running, or jump out of a plane, learn to surf, (also on my list) or ask out that sweet guy with the Chihuahua named Pedro. Well, what are you waiting for? No-one is going to do it for you, and that’s because you’re perfectly capable. You are the master of your own destiny, and they only gave you a key because you’re awesome enough to be able to use it. So go do some epic shiz, people of the internet. I believe in you.



*The book that has helped me most in my life is The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. It is my favourite book, and if you don’t like reading, (in which case, you’re being quite subversive by reading a blog. Stick it to the man!) then you can see it here. You’ll thank me when you’re an astronaut who writes French poetry about your llama farm, and lives in a castle on an island with your other half who just so happens to be Michael Fassbender/Jennifer Lawrence (delete as applicable). You’re welcome.

**Ooh, look at me breaking the fourth wall like a rebel. I’ve obviously been spending too much time with the person that hates reading but does it anyway. Bad crowd.

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Lemonade and the Laptop


So I’m officially in the running for the Clumsy Oaf of the Year Award. Take that, Jennifer Lawrence, gravity hates me more than it hates you. How, I hear you ask, (because clumsiness has given me some sort of Professor X-type powers that I am too cack-handed to figure out how to use) did I come to be nominated for such an esteemed prize? Well I shall tell you, faithful readers. I threw lemonade at my laptop. Don’t scoff; this wasn’t a gentle, feminine trickle. No, I totally earned that award.

I literally THREW lemonade at my laptop.  It was like my laptop had refused to even go halves, called me easy and insulted S Club 7. My laptop did none of those things.* It was an unprovoked attack for which I am truly sorry. So sorry, in fact, that I would happily skip back through time and save my laptop from myself. Alas, time travel is a filthy lie propagated by The Doctor.

So now I am laptop-less and no less clumsy for it. After lemonade-gate, (which I am insisting on calling it, because somewhere inside of me beats the heart of a fleet street reporter that I accidentally ate) I managed to drop a fresh glass of lemonade into my bath, walked into several doors and threw a lever arch file at my face, without even having to insult the Spice Girls. Welcome to my life.

I was almost definitely born like this. I wandered into the world, tripped over my own umbilical cord, fell into the arms of the midwife and muttered something horrifically embarrassing, which led her to believe that I’d been stalking her from inside the womb. Ok, so I don’t have any evidence, apart from the fact that my mother insists that she found me in a field, under a cabbage. But would you want to admit that I was your actual, biological daughter? Me neither.

I’m usually so good at clumsiness too, I account for it, like sheep on the road in Wales. I know when and where it’s most likely to happen and either cover everything in bubble wrap or buy a new box of plasters. I am a pro at throwing drinks at my laptop. Every time it happens, I turn it off, pull out the battery, flip it upside-down and leave it on a towel until it’s decided that it’s not actually drowning. Panic over, everything’s great. But this time was different.

This time my laptop decided to sulk. Perhaps it prefers cherryade, maybe it’s demanding something a bit more exciting like champagne, maybe it’s on a cleanse. Oh God, it was probably on a cleanse. I threw a glass of fizzy evil at my electronic friend (not that one) and now it hates me. It’s not the first time an appliance has decided that it doesn’t like me, and I can almost guarantee that it won’t be the last. I have blown up three microwaves, (all mine) set fire to two ovens, (only one of them mine) and gone through a LOT of computers.

Maybe now is the time to move to a hut in the woods and live on a nutritious diet of plants that don’t look like they’d kill me, and bark. How many things can go wrong there? Well lots, obviously, but at least there’d be no-one around to witness my shame as I set my hut on fire for the hundredth time, and realise that my swish new outfit is made of poison ivy and nettles, interwoven to create some kind of super-evil that eats away at my flesh and transforms me into a stunt double of Big Foot… Which would then attract people to witness my shame. Damn it.

I guess the right and proper thing to do then, is to accept the award with all the grace of Mr Bean wearing a fat suit and inexplicably having hooks for hands, because that is exactly who I am. Yes, I will fall UP the steps because, like I said, gravity and I aren’t on speaking terms right now. Obviously I will mumble shout into the mic, because I haven’t been properly trained in the dark arts of socialising and generally being a normal human being. But on the plus side, I get a trophy that I can keep in the toilet and use to intimidate people when they come over, because I will Tipp-Ex out the title and write something cool, like ‘Awesome Person of the Forever Award’ or ‘Most Excellent Air Guitar Whilst Skydiving on a Motorbike in the Bahamas With the Ghost of Freddie Mercury Cleverly Balanced on Your Head. Also Ninjas. Award’.

But I will probably spell something wrong and the awe-inspiring effects will be ruined, because I am me. That’s why.


*My laptop loves S Club 7. My laptop is a good laptop


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