Awkward things.

Lemonade and the Laptop

on February 2, 2014


So I’m officially in the running for the Clumsy Oaf of the Year Award. Take that, Jennifer Lawrence, gravity hates me more than it hates you. How, I hear you ask, (because clumsiness has given me some sort of Professor X-type powers that I am too cack-handed to figure out how to use) did I come to be nominated for such an esteemed prize? Well I shall tell you, faithful readers. I threw lemonade at my laptop. Don’t scoff; this wasn’t a gentle, feminine trickle. No, I totally earned that award.

I literally THREW lemonade at my laptop.  It was like my laptop had refused to even go halves, called me easy and insulted S Club 7. My laptop did none of those things.* It was an unprovoked attack for which I am truly sorry. So sorry, in fact, that I would happily skip back through time and save my laptop from myself. Alas, time travel is a filthy lie propagated by The Doctor.

So now I am laptop-less and no less clumsy for it. After lemonade-gate, (which I am insisting on calling it, because somewhere inside of me beats the heart of a fleet street reporter that I accidentally ate) I managed to drop a fresh glass of lemonade into my bath, walked into several doors and threw a lever arch file at my face, without even having to insult the Spice Girls. Welcome to my life.

I was almost definitely born like this. I wandered into the world, tripped over my own umbilical cord, fell into the arms of the midwife and muttered something horrifically embarrassing, which led her to believe that I’d been stalking her from inside the womb. Ok, so I don’t have any evidence, apart from the fact that my mother insists that she found me in a field, under a cabbage. But would you want to admit that I was your actual, biological daughter? Me neither.

I’m usually so good at clumsiness too, I account for it, like sheep on the road in Wales. I know when and where it’s most likely to happen and either cover everything in bubble wrap or buy a new box of plasters. I am a pro at throwing drinks at my laptop. Every time it happens, I turn it off, pull out the battery, flip it upside-down and leave it on a towel until it’s decided that it’s not actually drowning. Panic over, everything’s great. But this time was different.

This time my laptop decided to sulk. Perhaps it prefers cherryade, maybe it’s demanding something a bit more exciting like champagne, maybe it’s on a cleanse. Oh God, it was probably on a cleanse. I threw a glass of fizzy evil at my electronic friend (not that one) and now it hates me. It’s not the first time an appliance has decided that it doesn’t like me, and I can almost guarantee that it won’t be the last. I have blown up three microwaves, (all mine) set fire to two ovens, (only one of them mine) and gone through a LOT of computers.

Maybe now is the time to move to a hut in the woods and live on a nutritious diet of plants that don’t look like they’d kill me, and bark. How many things can go wrong there? Well lots, obviously, but at least there’d be no-one around to witness my shame as I set my hut on fire for the hundredth time, and realise that my swish new outfit is made of poison ivy and nettles, interwoven to create some kind of super-evil that eats away at my flesh and transforms me into a stunt double of Big Foot… Which would then attract people to witness my shame. Damn it.

I guess the right and proper thing to do then, is to accept the award with all the grace of Mr Bean wearing a fat suit and inexplicably having hooks for hands, because that is exactly who I am. Yes, I will fall UP the steps because, like I said, gravity and I aren’t on speaking terms right now. Obviously I will mumble shout into the mic, because I haven’t been properly trained in the dark arts of socialising and generally being a normal human being. But on the plus side, I get a trophy that I can keep in the toilet and use to intimidate people when they come over, because I will Tipp-Ex out the title and write something cool, like ‘Awesome Person of the Forever Award’ or ‘Most Excellent Air Guitar Whilst Skydiving on a Motorbike in the Bahamas With the Ghost of Freddie Mercury Cleverly Balanced on Your Head. Also Ninjas. Award’.

But I will probably spell something wrong and the awe-inspiring effects will be ruined, because I am me. That’s why.


*My laptop loves S Club 7. My laptop is a good laptop



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