Awkward things.


on March 11, 2014


So if you’ve been paying attention, (or if I’ve ever even looked you in the eye in real life, because that’s how annoying and fanatical I am) then you will know that I am currently doing a juice fast. Because I am a writer and because I really am obsessed with juice at the moment, I decided to keep a diary of my experiences. The good news is that I didn’t murder anyone, and the great news is that I’m still going strong. The bad news is that there is no bad news. Sucks to be an unrequited pessimist, huh? Anyway, here are my undiluted experiences. Enjoy…

Ok, so it’s day one of my juice fast and I have made a million new mortal enemies. Basically anyone holding food, talking about food, eating food, or with a history of having eaten food. Alright, so I hate everyone in the world. My best friend was talking about soup earlier and I nearly stabbed her to death with a drinking straw. I am psychotic, more so than normal. Well, I say am, I mean was. Right now I’m quite chillaxed. The murderous impulses passed straight after I drank some juice. Yay juice! Stupid juice! But it’s ok, I won’t panic. I have my towel and I planned for this. Today is supposed to be hell and people are supposed to be dead. Wait, no. There’s no death, only peace and love and sweet, sweet murder. On toast. Bring on the Zen…

Day two of my juice fast and I feel like I am on crack. I am bouncing off the walls, falling over, giggly, singing, nonsensical and very, VERY annoying. I’m pretty much an amplified version of myself. Think feeding a five year old a bucket of candy, giving it a few sporks and throwing it on a bouncy castle. That is something you should never do, (unless there’s money in it) and that is me right now. But at least it’s a zillion times better than being tired and cold and ending up in prison for cutlery-related, smell-of-chips-incited murder. So yay for my annoying self! Hopefully I’ll be more bearable tomorrow…

It’s day three of juicy juice-ness, and my mood is a bit meh. I’m sure I would have been fine, verging on bouncy if my boss hadn’t been on his period. Otherwise, I’m energetic, super strong and not tired at all. I am yearning for yesterday’s hyper annoying-ness though, if only to upset my boss. Yeah I’m petty, but life is too short to not annoy annoying people. Maybe that’s my toxins talking though… Yep, totally the toxins. I am sweetness and light and butterflies and baby bums and whatever else normal folk like, but the toxins are toxifying my soul and transforming me into the wicked witch of the west… wait east. West! God! I sound like a fucking psycho. A gold star to whoever gets the reference, because fruit and veg also turn me into a school teacher. More Miss Trunchbull than Miss Honey atm, but we’ll see what tomorrow brings…

It’s day four and I’m my normal self. No juice superpowers today, but I do have the new joy of backache, which, so the internet tells me, is due to toxins sorting their shiz out in my kidneys. I also have butt ache, but that’s less to do with juice and more to do with falling off my unicycle yesterday. I’m less hungry than I have been, but I am LITERALLY salivating for my dinner juice, which will be a homemade V8 juice with garlic. Garlic! Oh, how I have missed my darling garlic. I’ve made my mind up that this is going to be the best juice in the history of the world ever, and if it isn’t, I might die. I probably won’t die, but if I do, my mum will set fire to my juicer, (if she liked me even a teensy bit) so the juicer is very motivated to create delicious acts of yum.

It’s day five and today was a majorly mixed bag. I mean, inside the bag is a wrench, a possum, three magic beans and a love note from a pirate to a whale. You see what I mean? In non-metaphorical terms, I am happy to announce that I woke up super bouncily at 7AM on my day off. Oh yeah, check me out. I was hyper for about six hours before I got tired. Juice number one was during the bounciness, but juice number two was after and perked me up a bit. Then I fell asleep, on the floor, with my face on a book. When I was walking home, people were giving me some intense hate-stares, so I may have just spoilered An Abundance of Katherines for them. Oops. My bad.

It’s day six and I am on top of the world. Literally. Ok, not literally, but I’m in SUCH a good mood that the misuse of the word ‘literally’ doesn’t make me want to go on a killing spree with nothing but an ill-kept hacksaw and a vat of lemon juice. Life is freaking good. Today I am feeling amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this good actually. A friend majorly betrayed my trust today and I was fine. I mean, I’m obviously not cool with it, but it just wandered out of my head, letting in awesome things like novel plots and article ideas. I am so creative at the moment, it’s crazy. Ideas keep invading my brain without knocking and not wiping their shoes on the mat, and I don’t even mind, because they’ve brought delicious, wondrous, amazingtastical and oh so frabjous JUICE!

It’s day seven and OH MY GOSH. Yep, that’s how fan-dabby-dozily-freaking-frabjous I feel. Also, alliteration rules. Life also rules, and juice and sunshine and writing and reading and everything in the world ever. I have completed the conversion into mutant hippy robot. Next step, world domination with a dream catcher and a chunk of rose quartz. Ok, so maybe I haven’t gone that far yet, but life is good. I feel happy and bouncy. My energy seems limitless and ideas are bubbling in my head like I have teensy elves living inside me with dreams of a Costa Book Award, and a cup of tea and a chinwag with my new bestie, Neil Gaiman. In short, juice rules. Do it. Do it or DIE! Only kidding, we’re all gonna die, juicing will just make us glow more whilst doing it. I’ve really sold it to you, haven’t I? Nope? Ah well, more juice for meeeeeeeeeeeeee! 


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